tid bits of a story

2008-12-19T17:37:00.000-08:00

This is blog worthy.
After a long hiatus from blogging, I return, because this moment amused me with giggles. I have always wanted to keep the ability of laughing at myself with the bizarre moments I find myself in, and today was yet another. After a wonderful ski this morning, I got back to my car and listened to a message on my phone. I distinctly remember setting it somewhere on the seat next to me. Perusing the aisles of fred meyer, I had a quick question for mom about ingredients for a recipe. Reaching for my phone in my purse, I realized it wasn't there. "Hmm... maybe it never made its way into my purse and is still in my car."

It wasn't. So there I was checking and re-checking for the whereabouts of this dang piece of plastic I've come to depend on a lot. The self-talk starts running through my head "Well, if it's really lost like it seems it is, just 'poof', gone, then at least it slows me down some, quiets life a little... But shoot, I don't have her address to send her that package, and I can't call her again either because I don't have the number" or... "Bummer, now I can't get together with her because I don't have her number either. Hmmm... this could be a problem."

Not all is lost. I'm determined it's still somewhere in my car. So... when arriving home, I call my number, waiting, waiting for the relief of that ring. I hear it! I lift the purse in my hand, thinking that's the only logical place for it to be. Nope, not there. "WHAT!! Where is it, the ring is RIGHT by my ear, where could it possibly be coming from?! I'm insane?!" And then I realize it's in the HOOD OF MY COAT. Oh my gosh. I was carrying it with me the entire time in the store, basically AROUND MY NECK, completely unaware I had it with me all the while. Ha! Ohh silliness!

2008-06-22T00:23:00.001-07:00

Tears That Breed Trust.

She's 19.

32 weeks pregnant :: she found her boyfriend cheating on her with her sister :: in the hospital for polypharmacy drug overdose :: her own attempt to end the pain :: Betrayed. This is the story of her life.

She's 19.

her parents are alcoholics and absent in her life :: her uncle raped her when she was young :: her sister comes to the hospital only to bagder her for money owed :: she says there is no one in her life she trusts

She lays in the hospital bed, crying, weeping and I feel there is nothing I can do to mend her pain. This isn't pain relieved with any amount of vicodin or morphine; this pain takes time to heal. It's overwhelming. I try to talk to her, but she's quiet and closed off - her tears are the only way she's communicating with me. But she doesn't want me to leave. So I sit at her side, holding her hand, and the tears stream down my face. I keep thinking I haven't a clue what to say; there are no words to fit this present moment. I keep crying, feeling her pain to the slightest degree and I realize these tears speak more than words ever could. What breaks my heart the most is she feels she has no one in her life to trust. No one. No hope. No stability. She walks this 'meaningless' painful road of life alone. And it breaks me to the core.

This is where the Heart of God yearns to breathe His life.

Unleash Your Spirit, I pray.

2008-05-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

And my heart rejoices.
I look at the last two posts on here, and all I see is the contrast in seasons of life. This past fall was a hard one no doubt, with all of its anger and frustrating wonder, but all the while, You were there. And You still are, here with me now. Though the times and circumstances constantly change, You remain the same. Thank You for Your grace, for walking me through that dark road, for keeping my heart with Yours even when I was mad at You and had nothing great to say to You. Lord, Lord, Your goodness continually astounds me.

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
That my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever."
Psalm 30:11-12

Those verses speak my heart.

I'm thankful for everything: the good, the bad, the challenging, the wrestling and fighting. I'm thankful You always win. The truths You impressed on my heart through the struggle are invaluable and wouldn't have been learned otherwise. I rejoice in You and thank You again for the story of grace You have written and continue to write. I can't doubt Your goodness.

2008-04-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

To Be Told.
It's almost fuzzy and surreal, but in my life right now I profoundly feel God going before me in quite nearly every aspect of my life, large and small - all the way from repeated unexpected encounters with the woman I stood in line with waiting to get my tires changed to being used as a vessel to let God breathe His life into another's weary heart. In a way, I feel almost a disconnect from my own individual sense and that instead of my own leading, it is God writing and unfolding the story of my life - for the future down the road, but also specifically in the day to day present. I am the privileged character in this story as the recipient of such intention, attentiveness, and creativity. Oh Lord, how great is Your love. And all I have to say out of this heart of deep thanks is... keep going, it is my joy to speak well of Your Name.

2007-09-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

Authentic Living.

'It's not our accomplishments or achievements that matter... but our heart toward God - that's what really matters: living faithfully in the NOW - whatever circumstance or opportunity that is'. Those very words came from my mouth as I spoke with a friend reflecting on this past summer with all of its difficulty, setbacks and unknowns. I hesitated halfway and nearly couldn't finish my sentence. I knew what I wanted to say, I knew I wanted my heart to genuinely reflect the truth I was speaking, but in its own honesty, I knew my words were flat and empty. Failure in the spotlight of others' eyes is never a pleasant experience and many times the resistance and frustration has made me want to run relying on my own strength and will. I felt nothing but conviction when those words fell from my lips knowing my heart did not stand one with God, unified with His likeness.

Jesus, Jesus, may the course of my heart continue to change toward choosing the road that permits Your refinement in all of me.

'being' vs. 'doing' ... there's a big difference.

2007-08-01T01:35:00.000-07:00

Balance.
Once of the keys to the Christian walk is learning balance in all of life.
Seriously, I never thought such a 'non-spiritual ' word could sum this up so well.

Too much rest and you're lazy.
Too much work and you're resentful.

Too much giving and you're unhealthy.
Too much taking and you're confined.

Too much authority and you debilitate others.
Too much apathy and you debilitate yourself.

Too much talking and you're not attending.
Too much listening and you're not sharing.

Too much independence and you become isolated.
Too much dependence and you become stunted.

Too much expectation and you're disconcerted.
Too little expectation and you're limited.

And on it goes... Jesus, help us to decipher the thin lines...

2007-04-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

History in Friendship
We played in the rice table together in kindergarten. We felt exhilarated sliding in the mud of a downpour during a soccer game when we were 12. We shared our secrets about boys and crushes in jr. high. As we grew older, we learned to give one another room for change and growth, each in our own ways, but found that through very different avenues and influences, God placed similar dreams and desires on both our hearts.

We are kindred spirits.
She is my best friend.

She's on the other side of the world. No talk: no phone, no internet, no email. Barely letters. With all this change and transition as of late, I'm just wanting to sit with her in a reverie, escaping to our imaginations and dreams. I want to wonder and question with her. When we do that, we are always taken back to the mystery of God and our hearts are expanded. It's a gift to be understood. It's a gift to take that risk in revealing a desire or thought of your innermost being and discover that the offering is met with understanding and care. She is loyal in her understanding and care for me and has taught me the meaning of loyalty.

Missing you, tess... love you.

2007-04-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

A Wondrous Mystery
We sat at the nurse's station in the quiet hours of the early early morning and discussed topics that rarely get opportunity to be spoken about in the hustle of a dayshift in the hospital. I spoke with this german nurse attentive to all that she was saying, appreciating the fact that she really cared about the issues of this world and took time to try to understand them. But more than that, I was gripped by the recognition that she saw them. She saw the sufferings of the poor and the weak and the voiceless. She didn't think of them as them, but rather, us. She cared; and that expression of empathy stood out to me because it wasn't projected from a Christian context and community.

She asked me what I meant when I said I want to use my nursing in developing countries... When the specificity of which nation I want to work in came out in conversation, the conversation changed. She knew I was serious. She knew it ran deep and that it wasn't some flighty decision made on a whim. But as the conversation progressed, it became very apparent to me that there was one thing she would not grasp, she could not grasp. And that is... Why. She asked me why that country, why not southern Africa or other parts of Asia... it's so dangerous there. Yes, it's dangerous, and I admit, sometimes I hate that about it, but the only thing that echoed in my being when she asked me, was the truth that God's love compels me. I told her this is so strong in my heart that I feel if I did not go, I would be shutting off life from within. It doesn't make logical sense. And I recognize, it can't make sense outside of the character of God.

At one point after telling her I want to share Christ's love with these people, she said 'but they are different religion, they are Muslim... I call myself Christian, but I don't think that you should make others turn from their beliefs - that is their religion. A lot of crime has been done in the name of religion.' I agreed with her; indeed, in the past, a lot of wrong has been done under the facade of religion... but she continued to say 'if you are going there to do nursing, that is fine; I think that is very... noble...' In that instant, my heart was chastened to recall what God has personally been reminding me in my transition of finishing nursing school. My desire to do nursing started with mission. Nursing was just a tool to practically give more. The deep desire of my heart is living and sharing Christ. I knew I needed to take a stand for that - that I do believe there is one truth, and in fact, I do go in a missionary heart. I felt that if I didn't express that to her, I would be denying all that Christ is to me.

We continued with our work that had to be done, and then a bit later, she asked: 'aren't you scared?'. I gave her an honest answer, and it resounded again: she could not understand because she does not KNOW God and His character. She does not know what it means to have one's life hidden in Christ's, to have it surrendered to Him... that He purposes, that He protects, and enables. There is a higher life than this one where life is everlasting, and it does not entail living here on earth as many years as possible, but rather, living Christ, no matter the path He ordains.

Oh... how I wanted her to know that truth. That sweet truth.

2007-04-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

HOORAY!!!

Done with all uni schoolwork in T-minus 24 hours. Oh MY!

Unbelievable.

2007-04-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

At the end of a terrible day that I wouldn't want to go through again, my heart is filled with absolute gratitude. Really, I just can't imagine what my life would be like if God weren't all that He is to me. It's a mystery to me how people live their days, continuing on with all the bumps in the road, without any blessed assurance that there is something bigger beyond them, that there is Someone who pursues their heart and desires them to thrive. If I didn't have that, my life would be very, very dim. I just don't know how people get along in life without Him: How they laugh, how they smile, how they press on? I really think it would be harder to live life without Him than it is to live life with Him - no matter what challenge He calls me to. In the least, meaning is found in the struggle of my life because of who God is. For someone that doesn't know Christ, struggle is merely something to 'get through' until the seas calm.

My heart is lifted up as I rejoice that He is my haven, that He understands, that there is purpose because of Him, and that He persistently desires good for me.

Jesus, you rock my face off!

2007-04-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

I feel RICH.
I do, I really feel rich. A little more than I think I can contain.
I almost feel overwhelmed with all the amazing people in my life. Maybe it's endings that make you recognize so clearly all that you have and the distance traveled, but nonetheless, I am in deep, deep appreciation for the people in my life... that truly make my life so very rich.

...If you're reading this... you're probably one of them ;)

2007-03-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

i may be losing my noggin.
today i signed the date as march, 2006...
one more paper to write, a fluff paper. it's been so long, i forgot what goes on the cover page.
i asked the same question within 2 minutes.
i realized that when i type, i only use the shift key on the right side, even if i want a capital 'P'
and... i ate ice cream as medicine today; it worked!

hmm...

2007-03-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hannah and Me.
I love this little lady! Meet my friend hannah that always makes me smile!

She is...
a fighter
a giver
tender hearted
determined
a little crazy, but fun crazy

I got to see her at her cute little 50's diner today, and she served a killer milkshake. Thanks, hans!

2007-03-19T17:20:00.001-07:00

Why is it that in one day, even in one portion of a day, I can vacillate so much between contentment and discontentment? Even more, there are times where I feel both sentiments forcefully in the same moment. Sometimes it is unbearable, and others, a sweet dissonance. Am I crazy?!! Sheisse! What is going on in this heart of mine! Some sort of mixture between hope and grace.

Hope: longing and yearning, desiring more.
Grace: God's spirit present, here with me, His absolute goodness.

Longing for heaven... yearning for it, wanting to be there... It's like, in my mouth, but I can't eat it. Can't have REAL interface with it. I only have a vague memory of it.. weird: memory of the future. This is what I'm made for, what I'm fashioned for, and I can't have it now... so much further to go still. More time to carry this subtle ache. More opportunities to bring a little more, and then a little more of heaven on earth.

Heaven on earth, we need it now.
Jesus, can you take the time,
To throw a drowning man a line,
Peace on earth...

2007-03-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

Still Thinking About Hope...

(there will be no fluidity to this post because my heart feels anything but fluid in sorting this out)

Important background to catch before I dive in is the fact that in the past several months, my heart has been moved to search out hope like never before. In the process, my idea of the substance of hope has expanded so much that it doesn't look anything like what I would have thought it was a few years ago. A flighty, transient, soft-spoken wish? Hell no... For me, words like agony, aching, yearning and pain seem to grasp its substance better.

Childbirth: Always pain before a child is born.

As I encounter God's heart more - the deep desires of His heart for things like peace, justice, love; and match them up against the reality of this world and how these values are absent, my heart is left broken. The cost of these values is more than I can weigh. When the darkness and evil surmounts, as it seems to more and more, fighting for hope feels a foolish thing to do, let alone believing for change. Reality says, 'Jenna, don't you see how bad it is out there? Don't you see that every attempt to bring abounding good is thwarted? Why do you hang on to a thread of belief?'

The darkness itself hurts, but so does a heart of hope. I don't even think I can describe the tension of my heart: despair in the forbearance of hope, but also not wanting it any other way. What if all these deep desires were met this side of heaven... how much would I really hunger the presence of God fully revealed? Would the tastes that I've savoured - memories of the future - cause a hunger in my heart for more, and more? If all things that I desired were met here on earth, what would be the impetus of my life that would keep me going?
That would cause me to press on?
Desire all that is to come?

2007-03-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

2007-03-16T00:27:00.000-07:00

Hope.

This thing called hope. Oh my goodness! It's such a mystery to me! I've thought about it, wrestled with it, fought against it, sat with the idea of it for some time now, and it's still mesmerizing to me. A few weeks ago, I tossed a certain desire and hope to the side; I decided it wasn't worth waiting for anymore.

After a little while, I realized the hope wasn't really gone. It was in fake release. Somehow I recognized that the hope was only covered up with a sense of bitterness in my heart - a 'FINE then', hard fist kind of way... And I didn't like that so much. Though it's hard, and the road of continued effort to keep hoping is soo grueling sometimes, I realized, in a completely non-comforting way that it's better to carry unmet desire in my heart than it is to have 'fake release' that is rooted in bitterness. I'm bound to get ugly with any hint of bitterness in my heart.

It seems to me the only option is to carry on hoping: there must be some reason that it lives on, and some reason why it won't simply dissolve in my heart. It must be worth something.

2007-03-06T18:29:00.000-08:00

Needles are fun!

Watch out for Jenna with a needle because... I accomplished my first IV start today and I think it's fun! I took some 'donated' materials home from the hospital to practice... actually... I stole them - but ALL in the name of learning! It's socialized healthcare here anyway! My victim was a dinner guest - thanks Sam! In a very weird way, needles are my favorite skill of nursing, and having a target, such as a vein, is just all the more fun! Ha!

2007-03-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

He Shook With Joy
Today was a rare moment when I went to chapel and found myself engaging in Trinity community. As I sang, I was moved to inner rejoicing, but then I saw something that provoked an expresssion that could not be contained: I smiled a big smile. In the seat below me was a man with special needs and his waving lifted hands caught my eye. I saw a man overcome with joy as he shamelessly engaged with his Creator. Praise reverberated throughout his entire body and it caused me to rejoice as I witnessed this glorious interaction. It didn't matter that he has a harder time understanding certain concepts or fewer social skills. It didn't matter that he is typically viewed as less. I truly believe these people are an undervalued asset to our society. They show us things we oft become blind toward. They tend to have unbelievably unreserved hearts in giving. They are whole, and they are needed. I love to watch and participate in corporate worship because it never ceases to amaze me how God meets each of us, face to face, where we are at, and that His meeting with us causes a range of responses because of His inspiringly unique creation.

2007-02-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

The Choice to Live and Die

I felt as if death was slapping me in the face as I encountered two grim situations one day apart. This is medical nursing, and I guess I've had quite an initiation to it on day 1 and day 2. Yesterday handed me the opportunity to not only witness, but participate in my first code. Recently diagnosed with metastatic cancer, she did not survive. We repeated the resuscitation process three times to bring her to some sort of vague stability, but we could have kept on doing that over and over - a strong heart at age 48 - she would have kept coming back. But what would her quality of life be? Who knew how much brain damage was ocurring as her heart rate dropped to 28 and her O2 saturation to 75% repeatedly? Newly diagnosed, her family had no time to discuss end of life directives, so she remained a full code. But did her family really want to sustain her 'life' on a ventilator? Thankfully, in the moment of rushed trauma when time is a blur, the daughter decided to stop... And then again today, just after break, I found a patient I helped to feed just moments ago had breathed his last. Packing up his body to bring him to the morgue, I pondered about what the substance of life is. How is it that moments ago, I was talking with him, responding to his requests for apple juice, checking that his IV was infusing well, asking if he was in pain - and then, in the next moment he was gone. That which was so much alive in one moment, was gone the next. What is it that is the substance of life? What gives and makes life, and takes it away? The breath of God, yes, but what is that substance? It doesn't have tangible substance. The body before me lay empty.

'THE LORD GOD FORMED THE MAN FROM THE DUST OF THE GROUND AND BREATHED INTO HIS NOSTRILS THE BREATH OF LIFE, AND THE MAN BECAME A LIVING BEING' genesis 2:7

Yes, it is God that gives and takes life. But just as God displays his sovereignty, we also have choice. This morning as I tended to him to get him washed up for the day, he asked if his daughter was there yet. I told him she wasn't and asked if he expected her. He said he did. When I was off the ward, his daughter came and sat with him... He breathed his last breaths only moments after. It seemed as if he held on, waiting until she arrived before he left. There are countless stories similar to this, where a loved one has 'held on' until there is a sense of peace and release over the dying one... A daughter exceedingly gives her time and energy to care for her father, and she hasn't yet settled in her heart that he is dying. When she arrives to this point, she speaks these words to him: 'I release you...' And he dies just a few days following...

What?! This seems so unreal! I guess I've always thought of the nature of our God given will in the context of our lives and the choices we make - God is sovereign, but He has given us choice as well. It's new to me to think of death as a life experience. It is a life experience, even of our earthly lives. The examples above show us how, to a certain extent, we have choice in our death. But isn't this true even beyond the examples from above, outside the context of someone with a failing body? Don't we make a choice about the timing of our death if we continually put ourselves in threatening situations, drive recklessly, or refuse treatments for a curable cancer? I think of it as God's blanket of sovereignty that covers our choices both in life and in death. In the end, He still has the last say. After all, what did I conclude before? It is GOD that gives and takes life; He breathes and relinquishes life. I consider how this choice in death relates to my life, and the choices I have made. I know that proceeding with the call I believe God has given me puts me at greater risk of harm, and potentially death at a sooner point in time than if I were to stay in North America. But if this is the purpose God has for me, and I turn the other way toward safety and comfort, then am I really living?

My head hurts from all this thinking. :)

2007-02-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

Lookin' Up

Ananda Perera's life so clearly displayed the high value that he placed on Christ and I want mine to do the same. For him, it was Christ above everything. Of anyone that knew him, all would agree he took every opportunity in his life to proclaim Christ and influence others for Him. He was abandoned to God and unashamed to share the reason for his confident hope. He was bold, determined, and charismatic.

The pastor that officiated his memorial service said that God's timing is always perfect and this is true even in the appointed day of Ananda's death. I almost didn't go to the service, but I am so glad that I did because in a timely way, God touched my heart. His death, because of his life, is a profound inspiration to me. Reminiscing on his life today ministered to my weary heart and I felt greatly encouraged to 'keep on'... There IS reason to hold His dreams close to my heart and to not lose hope. Death persistently reminds me of what it is I really want: to live Christ; no matter the cost, no matter the pain, no matter the struggle. He is worthy.

Ananda was the closest living example to the Apostle Paul that I know of and I am so blessed to have known him. Thank you, Ananda, for giving your life to the Lord and serving Him wholeheartedly to impact so many. Halleluia.

2007-02-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

The Hard Stuff.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of hoping, waiting, wishing. I'm tired of all the effort it takes to hope for those people, envisioning what ought to be... what is right, what is just. I'm just tired. Hope is hard, it hurts, it feels like there is no purpose right now. How long, how long must we sing this song? How long... I hope and wait for so many things, and today, I feel overcome with the empty weariness that it has brought me. I don't feel any further along the road in the realization of these desires, I feel stagnant, at a standstill. But it's not even of my doing. I do all I can, I pray, I give it over to the One... and then I am at my end. It is God's doing... He has to act. And... frankly, I'm so tired of waiting for you God. I'm tired of praying, I'm tired of asking. I don't even have much to give, but I pray, just this last time, pierce through, please pierce through her heart. Pierce through all the darkness, all the self-sufficiency, all the complacency. I read a letter from 4 years back that referred to these same concerns. I felt as if the words of the letter could have been written yesterday and still been as relevant to the situation now as they were then... Jesus, how is it that we are in the exact same place as we were 4 years ago? Are you not doing anything? Why no change? Have you heard these prayers? What are you waiting for? Are you working, but just under the surface? How long...

I wrote the above a few days ago, and I still feel this, but perhaps some new thoughts will begin to lift my spirit.

DREAMS. WAITING. TIME. recently those themes have come up over and over again and I wonder if there are connections that I can draw between them... wondering why they seem to arise repeatedly in different contexts. This afternoon I went for a long, long, long run and for the first part, my thoughts wrestled with God about the weariness of the hopes of my heart. For the first time in my life, I feel my will wanting to run away from the calling and dream He has given me. Entering into that place of hope and envisioning what ought to be--and the practicalities of what it means to get there--has become too heavy a burden for me - it's freakin' hard! I feel the pain of the place, and I'm 1/2 a world away. All of the factors that will need to be overcome to instill transformation appear to me like an impenetrable labyrinth. This is the darkness. The light is so very bleak. The hope is waning, and shoot, I'm not even there yet! This is my prayer: How long... How long must we sing this song? These are the contemplations of my heart...

But 1/2 way through my run today, I stopped to sit on a log to look out on the water and think. At first I was going to look at my watch to see how much time I could afford and then I redirected myself 'no, I'm going to enjoy this moment, no matter how long, and I'm going to let time just go on by...' that decision opened up my thoughts about time again - my desire to in some respects, live outside of time in my life... to think of time as eternity, endless, and not merely the days and years of my own life here on earth. Somehow that perspective makes the mission before me not as heavy or pressured. And somehow it makes the waiting for emancipated dreams not quite as painful. Four years? What is four years compared to eternity? To see change in that place, it will take longer and longer, but... somehow if I think of time over an expanded span, the frustrations of my heart feel better cared for. Dreams, prayers, hopes all have equal meaning and similar definitions to me right now...

I still ask: How long...?

Then my sweat dried and my skin got cold, and in that moment, the natural thing to do was to start running again. And so I press on...

2007-02-06T14:13:00.000-08:00

Do you hear the people sing?
Lost in the valley of the night,
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom in the garden of the Lord.
They will walk behind the ploughshare, they will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken and all men will have their reward!

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!

Ahhhhh!
Tomorrow comes!

--Les Miserables finale--

2007-02-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

12:34 Make a Wish!
I don't live my days with my eyes glued to the clock. In fact, when I am on vacation or break with no schedule, I frequently take my watch off, because, in a way, that is freedom to me. But with that said, I happen to look at the clock at 12:34 a lot. WHY?!! Whenever I see that time, the saying 'One, two, three, four, make a wish!' runs through my head. How does it happen that I end up reading that time at least once every other day? Or... do other people too, and just don't make a big deal about it? It's odd to me, and even though it's just a lucky superstition that doesn't really mean anything, I still do the honors of wishing. No matter what time it is, it is always time to dream - time to envision what we want to see changed in this world - by large and by small. Justice, freedom, hope, peace, joy and love. These are the things I dream to see more of. No matter the reason for my frequent glancing at the clock at 12:34, it remains a wonderful reminder to wish and dream.

"If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time." - Marcel Proust

2007-01-24T23:14:00.000-08:00

Thank YOU!
Amazing to me that at the exact time when I most wonder why I had to study nursing at Trinity is also the moment in which I most clearly understand the reason I am here. Some of the ideas and values that have been instilled in me here at Trinity are priceless - they will continue, as they already have, to profoundly impact my life and the nursing care I give. I am not certain how they would have been birthed in me had I not studied in this highly academic and authentically Christian environment.

God knew.

2007-01-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

Four Years in Reflection...
I think back to the very beginning. The whole purpose was one more step in fulfilling the destiny God set before me. Before His will for me became so apparent both during and after YWAM, I remember earnestly asking God for a true university experience (during the time the question was between UAA and Trinity) because I wanted to experience dorm life... and though I ended up feeling frustrated by it more often than I enjoyed it, He granted my request. The fall of my first year I thought I would be in and out - only to get my degree as some sort of license to be on the field immediately after. But oh Lord... you did so much more in me... You gave me the grace to continue, to overcome the struggle, to learn from heartache and begin to understand what it means to hope. The recent years of my life have been marked by waiting, waiting in so many things. I see now, there is deep richness in waiting. A friend once told me that when you have to wait for something, it makes you appreciate it more when it emancipates itself and comes to be. I think there is truth in that. Waiting forces you to measure value and importance in a different way. The longer you wait, the more you wonder if what you wait for is worth holding out. I've learned that no matter the path, holding out for God's way, God's timing, and God's best is always worth it. All I mean to say is, Jesus, I am thankful for your work in my life, I am thankful for your sovereignty even when I haven't enjoyed or understood it.
And even when I have wanted to walk the other way...

2007-01-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

two reasons for pure GLADNESS!! ...

two gifts from christmas time. a lunch bag that is so darn cute 'n handy, and pretty toes - with snowflakes! - thank you to the olsens and mi mamasita!!

2007-01-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

I've Never Fancied Money Much...
I received an email from a certain friend today. A friend that has invested in me a great deal in an effort to keep me faithful to the call God has placed on my life. He is unique in how God uses him to urge others to pursue the things of God's heart, to run hard, and not lose sight of the destiny God has given us as followers. To do this, he and his family have sacrificed much. He has endured long and arduous trips throughout North America, prolonged time away from family, and in all of this, money has been scarce. Receiving his email today really impacted me because I felt a bit 'in his place' ... To a lesser degree, I feel the same pressure of financial strain as I seek to pay off my school loans as fast as I can so that I can continue with where God is leading me. I did not know the situation was as tight for this family as it is - he is far from certain how they will pay this month's bills. I know he was only sharing the reality of what he and his family face now, and that it wasn't his intent to provoke sympathy - he wouldn't want sympathy - but it made me wish I could grow a money tree for him. It grieved my heart as it always angers me when I see that a lack of money hinders anyone from doing what God wants them to do. In discussion with my roommate about that question, she responded: 'Well, if God really wanted them to do something, He would provide.' Yes, true, but is it that simple? Is that really all of the truth? I tend to think not. God is sovereign, I know, but He also gives us choice - a free choice for ourselves. And sometimes our decisions limit how much God is able to appear in our lives, and how much He is able to show Himself manifest among us. Just as a hard heart is limited in reflecting His glory and light, so the purchase of an unnecessary fur coat (keyword: 'unnecessary' - as in, not needed) limits the amount and influence that money could have if spent on something or someone else. The decisions we make in our money-spending affect others. It's simple math; when something is taken away, there is less. What I choose to spend on myself affects how much I can give or use toward something else - something to make a difference in this world. If I spend little on myself, I am able to give more, I am able to provide dinner for someone that hasn't tasted food in a week, I am able to propel someone forward in God's call for their life and witness the work of God through them. Now, what sounds more valuable? That, or a nice fur coat?
I don't even like fur coats. But if I did, I would still choose the former.

2007-01-17T19:58:00.000-08:00

Wise Words from an Eight-Year-Old
I went over to Brian and Conor's this afternoon to say a brief hello/goodbye before I left for school again. Since I don't see Conor very regularly anymore, I am always taken aback with how much he has grown and of course, I reminisce on all the memories of babysitting him over the years... For those of you that don't have the pleasure of knowing this fine young fellow, he is the little brother I asked for but never got. As he has aged, he has become my friend and pal - I've even asked him to play with me sometimes! As his primary babysitter for the 8 years of his life, I have had the joy watching this young genious grow, develop, question, and explore. When I was with him today, I saw his growth in a new way and it surprised me. He spoke words that others six times his age might never utter. Brian joked (semi-serious) that Conor is his personal budget manager and does not resist telling his father not to buy something if he thinks it is unnecessary or too expensive. I told Conor that this is a trait to keep and that this wisdom will take him far! I said, 'I should hang around you more often Conor, I have student loans to pay off, and how do you think I should go about that?' He assertively replied: 'Buy what you need, and not what you want'. Wow! Talk about gleaning wisdom from people of all ages! Though it's not the first time that any of us have heard that, it means something totally new hearing it from the tongue of an eight-year-old... It's a bit convicting to realize that the more years you have doesn't always mean more clarity in seeing what is right and true. Conor has always been beyond his age in smarts and knowledge, but this shows he is in wisdom too. Oh, and... one more thing: he's got flair like no other... just look at that cheeky smile!

2007-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Worship: Always the Key to Mission
Tonight I sat with mom in the living room, trying to put in words all that is in my heart regarding my simple desire to see more of Christ in this world. To phrase my desire in this way is true, but so simplistic, too simplistic... carrying it out is so much more complicated - especially when considering where God is directing my life. With my longing and yearning to see Christ reign in Central Asia, at times I love it, and at other times I hate it. I love it because I know it is evidence of God's work in me and a result of Him molding the dreams and desires of His heart to become mine as well. I hate it because of the unavoidable struggle, sacrifice, and constant battle to remain confident in hope, believing that He is able and that He WILL transform this nation's people, community by community.

I ask, Jesus, what have you gotten me in to? Does hope deferred REALLY make the heart sick? What about when the darkness I see is so vast and pervasive that hope seems too weak to overcome it? The sickness I feel now just might be easier to assuage if I accept things as they are and stop feeling like a fool to think it can and WILL change. Deep down I know this is no answer. Despite how I feel, what I see and how I perceive it, Your truth and persistence shake me out of my disillusionment - so that I can see through eyes of faith.

Father God, in that moment, even then, I will turn my heart toward you and believe in your ability, your desire, your promise.

N.T. Wright says:
'The key to mission is always worship. You can only be reflecting the love of God into the world if you are worshipping the true God who creates the world out of overflowing self-giving love. The more you look at that God and celebrate that love, the more you have to be reflecting that overflowing self-giving love into the world.'

2007-01-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

feestelijk inhalen!
so... here i am on blogger - on show, in a way, for all to see. i never thought of myself as a writer... and i still don't, but i wonder if God is developing this new gift within me. i'll try it out, see where it goes... writing has always been the way that i have expressed myself best, but for the most part, it has remained private, in journal form. in the past few months, however, i feel there is too much in my heart/head to keep inside and it needs to come out - hopefully as some benefit to others as well. i only invest my time in things meaningful... and with a lot of consideration, i think this counts. writing is one of the best tools for influence, so, with that... welcome!